I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
