the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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