Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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