Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
