i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
