I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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