dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
