I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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