i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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