I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
