His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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