I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
