My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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