i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Never underestimate the power of titties
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