i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
