Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
