it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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