Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
