I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
