It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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