The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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