Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
