I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
