I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
