i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
