what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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