Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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