just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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