I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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