Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
