I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
