Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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