How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
