If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
