you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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