I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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