just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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