I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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