Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
