I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
