I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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