she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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