dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
