my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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