did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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