I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
