why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
