btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
