Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
