Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
